Two Minute Personality Test

and, no, Bitch is not a personality type.

Introspective Sensitive Reflective

You come to grips more frequently and thoroughly with yourself and your environment than do most people. You detest superficiality; you'd rather be alone than have to suffer through small talk. But your relationships with your friends are very strong, which gives you the inner tranquility and harmony that you require. You do not mind being alone for extended periods of time; you rarely become bored.

MOOD: research-y
SOUNDS: fan

Go on!

DVD - House of Flying Daggers

8.5 out of 10

OKay, first, it's important to note that nothing in this film could atually happen in real-life. I'm fairly certain on that - nothing. Completley unrealistic, totally impossible.

What's more important to note, though, is that none of that matters a bit. It's also genuinely gorgeous. Purely beautiful. Utterly breath-taking.

Highly recommended.

(Monkey Peaches has some video stills that'll show what I'm talking about)

All joking aside

MOOD: weepy
SOUNDS: Sting

Look, I shouldn't be writing on this damn keyboard at all. I'm hurting. Oh, well, I'm hopped up on ibuprophen and I think I can write what I want to say.

I'm sad and I'm feeling less than invincible. And, I'm having a hard time dealing with everything.

I looked over some things I've written in the past on this blog, and I wonder what happened to me - where have I gone? Am I worried that someone I know personally will stumble across this blog? Am I afraid to be embarassed, stalked? Can't I own up to what I think and feel? Am I getting "balanced" and thus on an even keel and ultimately simple and boring - are the anti-depressants kicking me into the middle of the crowd? All of the above? Ah gawd, this is the most depressing of all - I feel like shit.

I watched this movie called "Trembling Before G-d" yesterday that still stays with me....

It's a documentary about gays and lesbians who are devout orthodox Jews. The two should be exclusive of each other, but for some it just can't be. It hit me hard, and things having to do with homosexuality just don't affect me much anymore. I'm comfortable with who I am, and I embrace it. I can't be anyone other than who I am, and I love (almost) everything about me. I love my emotional self, and I love that I'm a feeling, breathing, loving and caring person.

I'm thinking about a part where one of the women has been baking bread all day to celebrate Sabbath, very joyful and peaceful. Then, her family calls to wish her happy Sabbath on their way out to a dinner. It seems that their rabbi told her family that they had to at least have contact with their daughter because she was still, afterall, their daughter. They call as a perfunctory task. This devestates her. The two minute phone call ruins her entire day.

Every now and then, something comes along that rocks my world like that. Shakes it to the core and I have to re-evaluate everything.

Back to the person I am, it seems like the loving part of me has some how over time been turned "off." I'm sure it's a function of time. I'm sure it has to do with self-protection. I'm sure it has to do with my goals for myself.

Speaking of, I'm feeling incredibly selfish lately. I set a time limit three months ago, of three months, to give it a chance to find a job here in social services. Not only was I REJECTed by the graduate school of social work. How embarassing! Who wants to actually DO social work? Who is willing to accept the conditions? Me, that's who - back then at least. Well, I had another prospect - a job I really thought I would love, even though looking back now it was more of a function of my daily work life that I loved the idea of, not necessarily the people I would be working to help. Well, my blindness is now my clarity. Anyway, they pretty much rejected me, too, because - guess what - two interviews with them and they didn't even keep their promise to send me a nice thank you note for coming in should they not offer me the job. How disappointing can people be, in the end?

Anyway, I'm actually pretty tired of putting myself out there for others to REJECT. I'm weary of displaying my endless enthusiasm to be stepped over for the elusive something else, which I guess I just don't have. It makes me wonder - am I a big fraud? Am I trying to be someone I'm not? Am I not that person? Or, are all these assholes just too threatened by my Energy?

I've gotten pretty sick of this shit, and I'm ready now to chalk it up to experience. Whatever - I'll learn something from it when I'm good and ready. Some other time. Onward and... upward?

Plan B, anyway. Plan B is to think of a new fucking plan. For the past couple of weeks, I've gone back to basics again. Personality tests, interest inventories. What the fuck? Anyway.

Is there ANYthing about my current job that I do like? Something that can be used as a stepping stone, something to refine and get into a position that I really do feel fulfilled within? Actually, there is. And, it's something I did naturally (important to realize) as I sat there and set out to "improve my performance" so that cuntface would get off my case. I started really going out there and soliciting people to help by designing their web sites.

I've always gotten this exhiliration from creating and designing. I am, beneath my desire to be perfect and anal and organized, an incredibly creative person. I may not be the best photographer, but I love it - the garden, cooking, just the way my apartment is decorated, writing, etc. etc. - all creative pursuits. It doesn't take a genius to see why when I am designing a database, I spend inordinate amounts of time color-coding the interface, putting up splashes of color and matching graphics, and basically making life beautiful and lovely for the people who are going to use it. Though I get a thrill out of organizing data, I spend much more time perfecting the way it looks. Just naturally, expanding myself on the job has consisted of these pursuits.

I had a friend for a long time whose opinion I respected, and I saw him as a natural artist. His life was art, but not in the clearest sense. It has been actually bothering so much that I just broke it down to him. "Do you think I'm a creative person?" I've always felt like I was some fan on the sidelines of the artists I've known. I could take pictures, I could pose for them, I could be part of all these creative pursuits, but was I just an auteur? Was there something in me that actually added to the art? It's kind of funny to think about it now but he told me that he did indeed consider me creative and the proof was the fact that I wore makeup. I tried to wrap my brain around that. He said that, being a dyke (he is a pretty crude guy) that I didn't have to - there was no pressure from the others like me to do what I do, still I do it. I curled my hair into ringlets and constantly experimented with hairstyles. My life is a constant creation. There was nothing to make my do this, no reason, other than it pleased me. I get tattoos and piercings, and though this could be another type of fan worship, it isn't. My body is its own display of art.

Anyway... this work of art is hurting so I want to end this soon.

Actually, it'll end now. I'm going to bed. More later. Night.

Music Feature

Link in the left frame. And, yes, I'm talking about you.

I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sun of our ambition



MOOD: reminiscent
SOUNDS: duh
--------

Sting - MAD ABOUT YOU

A stones’s throw from jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the april moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I’m lost without you I’m lost without you
Though all the kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
I’m mad about you I’m mad about you

And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
And every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer? how much longer?

They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sun of our ambition
It would make a prison of my life
If you become another’s wife
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
I’m mad about you I’m mad about you

And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominations over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no victories
In all our histories, without love

A stone’s throw from jerusalem
A walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the april moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I’m lost without you I’m lost without you
And though you hold the keys to ruin
Of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust,
My enemies walk free
Though all the kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
I’m mad about you I’m mad about you

Threesome

Made you click!

I just watched the movie Threesome. And can I just say how cute, cute, cute, cute, cute (!) it was! And, it wasn't even stupid! (Read the primary cast list). I think I might even have to buy it, and I might be Lara Flynn Boyle's newest fan. (Don't laugh at me! Just watch the movie).

I swear, THIS is what the college years are about. You're walking that line between childhood and adulthood. You have these silly but innocent and sweet relationships with people every which way, whilst in these throbbing masses of flesh that we call our developing bodies. We are learning what we're made of, what we like. Who we like and who we don't. We make these instantaneous connections with people while not having the capacity and wisdom to judge them on their awful quirky personalities. Every one is fabulous! Everyone is interesting! Everyone is a mystery waiting to be cracked! Everyone is cool to hang out with and get to know! What happened to that?

Quotes:

Eddie: I wonder how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?

Alex: Oh, I am so sick of this shit, it's not NORMAL! It's not NORMAL the three of us LIVING TOGETHER! I am so sick of falling for guys who don't give a fuck about me! I need help! I need a facial! I need to go on a diet! I need money! I need new shoes! Oh, God, just do something!

Eddie: It's kind of like going on a vacation - you plan everything out but one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can never find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening. But, later, you realize it was the best part of the whole trip.

MOOD: inspired
SOUNDS: fan

One of These Nights

I usually don't like to post lyrics on my site. It's unoriginal, and requires virtually no effort. I'm in that mood today, though. And, this song struck me when I heard it on the radio. And I love The Eagles.

One of These Nights
by The Eagles

One of these nights
One of these crazy old nights
We’re gonna find out, pretty mama
What turns on your lights

The full moon is calling, the fever is high
And the wicked wind whispers and moans
You got your demons
You got desires
Well, I got a few of my own

Someone to be kind to in
Between the dark and the light
Coming right behind you
Swear I’m gonna find you
One of these nights

One of these dreams
One of these lost and lonely dreams
We’re gonna find one
One that really screams....


I’ve been searching for the daughter of the devil himself
I’ve been searching for an angel in white
I’ve been waiting for a woman who’s a little of both
And I can feel her but she’s nowhere in sight

Loneliness will blind you
In between the wrong and the right
Coming right behind you
Swear I’m gonna find you
One of these nights

One of these nights
In between the dark and the light
Coming right behind you
Swear I’m gonna find you
Get ’ya baby one of these nights
One of these nights
One of these crazy nights
I can feel it
One of these nights
Coming right behind you
Swear I’m gonna find you now
One of these nights

That's My Girl

LONDON - JULY 2: Singer Madonna performs on stage at "Live 8 London" in Hyde Park on July 2, 2005 in London, England. The free concert is one of ten simultaneous international gigs including Philadelphia, Berlin, Rome, Paris, Barrie, Tokyo, Cornwall, Moscow and Johannesburg. The concerts precede the G8 summit (July 6-8) to raising awareness for MAKEpovertyHISTORY. (Photo by MJ Kim/Getty Images)

And, yes, she's my girl



LONDON - JULY 02: Singer Madonna with Birhan Woldu on stage at "Live 8 London" in Hyde Park on July 2, 2005 in London, England. The free concert is one of ten simultaneous international gigs including Philadelphia, Berlin, Rome, Paris, Barrie, Tokyo, Cornwall, Moscow and Johannesburg. The concerts precede the G8 summit (July 6-8) to raising awareness for MAKEpovertyHISTORY. (Photo by MJ Kim/Getty Images)

She's not stupid.

Happy 4th!

Do something today that celebrates independence!

---

You Are 47% American

America: You don't love it or want to leave it. But you wouldn't mind giving it an extreme make over. On the 4th of July, you'll fly a freak flag instead...

How American Are You?

I love the freak flag part! LOL

Freaky Shit

The Tempel 1 comet is shown after the impactor probe from the Deep Impact spacecraft collided with the comet early Monday, July 4, 2005. The successful strike 83 million miles away from Earth occurred just before 11 p.m. PDT, according to mission control at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., which is managing the $333 million mission. (AP Photo/Jet Propulsion Laboratory) Email Photo Print Photo

DVD - Dirty Pretty Things

7.5 out of 10

We are the people you do not see. We are the ones who drive your cabs. We clean your rooms. And suck your cocks.

There are some dirty things. There are some pretty things. There are some dirty pretty things. Ah, God, life is fucking rough!

Chiwetel Ejiofor was stupendous!

Recommended.

What makes you get up in the morning?

MOOD: pooped
SOUNDS: TV in the background

I heard this question in a commercial for some hospital on a tape from when I lived in New Orleans. I thought about it for about two seconds, and I think - for me - it's only the hope that something exciting will happen in the new day. That something will change. That hopefully I can be some force in the world that either changes something, shakes something up, that I affect the rest of the world. But, mostly, I just hope something exciting and interesting happens in my life.

I don't usually write the blog to hear what others have to say, but, what do you wake up for in the morning? Tell me. I am really curious to know.

Live 8

MOOD: Joyful
SOUNDS: Live 8, of course

Today is dedicated to watching the Live 8 concert on MTV. I slept in this morning and woke up just in time to start watching. I'm also getting some projects done around my house, like rearranging furniture and things, cooking, cleaning the place.

I'm a huge fan of outdoor concerts, especially the ones that include many, many different types of bands. Woodstock, Live Aid, Farm Aid, Lollapalooza, Voodoo Fest, etc. I even like to see what I call the shitty bands, even though they're just ones I either haven't heard of or am just not interested in.

Highlights so far: the most awesome collaborations I've ever seen (I love that spirit), Madonna's performance (swoon, I was clapping and dancing and singing and grinning from ear-to-ear), Natalie Portman's new shaved head (yay!), Sting ("we'll be watching you"), MC Lyte as a correspondent, The Killers, Green Day performing "We Are the Champions," and the constant vignettes on the G8, Live Aid, and the personal stories of the people in Africa affected by the poverty all this is supposed to help eliminate. A million people in Philadelphia (so far) and about that in London, too, I think. Oh, and the fact that no one is making any money off of this, except perhaps MTV, Vonage, and War of the Worlds. This coverage should really be commercial free MTV! Think about donating like you want us all to do through our governments! Duh.

Go sign the petition at One.org and watch MTV for your name to be displayed in the list they show up on the screens behind the musicians. I'm looking for mine, and they better fucking show it soon.

Book Snob

Well, someone asked questions about books a while back, like how many books have you owned? I'm happy to say that I got rid of about half of my collection because I plan to move at some point and the less, the better. Besides, most of those books will not be read. Besides besides, the Internet takes care of most of the need to keep text books around. Apparently, I am also a book and language snob, according to an online quiz I took - so, I only kept the best books.

BTW, I started reading that Owen Meany book that the quiz told me I was. And because I really AM a snob, it's going back to the library. I haven't even gotten through half of it and I realized that it leaves me bored and unaffected, and, well, it kind of sucks. B-O-R-I-N-G. Life is too short to be bored by a book. Good bye, little Owen Meany




















BEFORE

I'm happy because my goal is to simplify, simplify, SIMPLIFY my life. The less stuff I have, the better. I want (envision this) spartan.

So, the plan is to move around some furniture and get rid of some of that, too.

AFTER